I've got you, mother!
Anyone who runs is a VC.
Anyone who stands still...
...is a well-disciplined VC.
You guys ought to do a story about me.
Why should we do a story about you?
'Cause I'm so fucking good!
That ain't no shit neither.
I've done got me 157 dead gooks killed.
And 50 water buffaloes, too.
Them are all certified.
Any women or children?
Sometimes.
How can you kill women and children?
Easy.
You just don't Iead them so much.
Ain't war hell?
We want to get in the shit.
Down the road. Two-five.
Outstanding! Thanks.
We're Iooking for First PIatoon, Hotel two-five.
I got a bro named Cowboy.
You people one-one?
No, sir. We're reporters for "Stars and Stripes."
I'm Cowboy's platoon commander.
He's just down the road in the platoon area.
May we tag along, sir?
No problem. Welcome aboard.
I'm Schinoski. Walter J. Schinoski.
They call me Mr. Touchdown.
I played ball for Notre Dame.
You here to make Cowboy famous?
Never happen, sir.
Ifyou came Iooking for a story, this is your Iucky day.
We got Condition Red and we expect rain.
Outstanding. We taking care of business?
The N.V.A. are dug in deep.
Hotel Company is working this side of the river, house by house.
Charles has his shit together, but we're still getting some decent kills.
We heard the N.V.A. executed a Iot of gook civilians.
Affirmative.
I saw bodies half a klick this side of the canal.
Can you show me where?
The dead have been covered with lime.
The dead know only one thing:
It is better to be alive.
I make it 20. Is that the official body count, sir?
What outfit are you with?
We're from "Stars and Stripes."
I'm Sergeant Joker and this photographer is Rafterman.
I'm Lt. CIeves. Hartford, Connecticut.
Have you got a body count, sir?
Twenty.
How did it happen, sir?
The N.V.A. came in with a Iist of gook names:
Government officials, policemen, ARVN officers, teachers.
They asked them, real polite, to report the next day for political re-education.
Everybody who turned up got shot.
Some they buried alive.
What is that button on your body armor?
A peace symbol, sir.
-Where did you get it? -I don't remember, sir.
What is written on your helmet?
"Born to Kill," sir.
You put "Born to Kill" on your helmet and wear a peace button.
Is that some kind of sick joke?
Well, what does it mean?
-I don't know, sir. -You don't know very much.
Get your head and your ass wired together or I will shit on you!
Answer my question or you'II stand tall before the Man.
I was referring to the duality of man, sir.
The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
-Whose side are you on? -Our side, sir.
-Don't you Iove your country? -Yes, sir.
Then get with the program. Jump on the team and come in for the big win.
I ask that my Marines obey my orders as they would the word of God.
We are helping the Vietnamese, because inside every gook...
...is an American trying to get out.
It's a hardball world, son.
We must keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
We're Iooking for First PIatoon, Hotel two-five.
Around the back.
-First PIatoon? -Through there.
Hey, Lone Ranger.
Holy shit!
I hoped I'd never see you again, you piece of shit!
What's happening?
Just waiting to get back to the Iand of the big PX.
Why go back?
Here or there, samey-same.
-Been getting any? -Only your sister.
Better my sister than my mom, though my mom's not bad.
Hey, you hogs, Iisten up!
This is my bro, Joker, from the island. And this is....
They're from "Stars and Stripes." You'II be famous.
We're the Lusthog squad. We're Iifetakers and heartbreakers.
We shoot holes in them and fill them with Iead.
Are you a photographer?
I'm a combat correspondent.
You seen much combat?
I've seen a Iittle on TV.
You're a real comedian.
Well, they call me the Joker.
Well, I've got a joke for you.
I'm going to tear you a new asshole.
Well, pilgrim...
...only after you eat the peanuts out of my shit!
You talk the talk.
Do you walk the walk?
You might not believe it...
...but under fire, Animal Mother is a truly fine human being.
He just needs grenades thrown at him the rest of his Iife.
Jungle bunny. Thank God for the sickle cell, huh?
Yeah, Mother.
Hey, photographer!
Want to take a good picture?
Take this.
This...is my bro.
This is his party.
He's the guest of honor.
Today is his birthday.
Happy birthday, zipperhead!
I will never forget this day.
The day I came to Hue city and fought one million N.V.A. gooks.
I really Iove the Iittle Commie bastards.
These enemy grunts are as hard as slant-eyed drill instructors.
These are great days we're Iiving!
We are jolly green giants, walking the earth with guns.
These people we wasted here today...
...are the finest people we will ever know.
Once we rotate back to the world, we'II miss not having anyone worth shooting.
Delta 6 Actual, this is Murphy. Over.
We are receiving incoming fire from the ville.
The Iieutenant is down.
We'II stop and check out what's in front of us.
Okay, Lusthog squad, Iisten up!
We'II move up these two roads.
I want the third team up this road.
First and second team behind me up this other road.
Let's go! Let's get it done!
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Start the cameras. This is "Vietnam: The Movie"!
If Joker is John Wayne, I'm a horse!
-T.H.E. Rock can be a rock! -I'II be Ann-Margret!
Animal Mother can be a rabid buffalo!
-I'II be General Custer! -Who'II be the Indian?
We'II Iet the gooks play the Indians!
You're going home now.
Semper fi.
We're mean Marines, sir.
Go easy, bros.
Better you than me.
At Ieast they died for a good cause.
What cause was that?
Freedom.
FIush out your head gear, New Guy.
You think we waste gooks for freedom?
This is a slaughter.
If I get my balls blown off for a word...
...my word is "poontang."
Tough break for Hand Job.
He was set to get shipped out on a medical.
What was wrong with him?
He was jerking off ten times a day.
It's no shit. At Ieast ten times a day.
Last week he was sent to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker.
The crazy fucker jerks off in the waiting room.
Instant Section 8.
He was waiting for his papers to clear division.
Ready?
Turnover.
Hue city interviews. Roll 34.
This is a major city, so we have to assault with...
...tanks in the streets.
They send us in first squad...
...to make sure there are no Iittle, uh...
...Vietnamese waiting with B-40 rockets to blow the tanks away.
So we roll the tanks in and basically, blow the place to hell.
When we're in Hue, in Hue city...
...it's Iike a war, you know.
Like what I thought about, what I thought a war was supposed to be.
There's the enemy, kill them.
There's no question about it. We're the best.
It's bullshit about Air Cav. When the shit hits the fan, who do they call?
They call Mother Green and her killing machine!
Do I think America belongs in Vietnam?
I don't know. I belong in Vietnam, I'II tell you that.
Can I quote L.B.J.?
"I will not send...
"...American boys 10,000 miles around the world...
"...to do a job Asian boys should be doing for themselves."
Personally, I think...
...they don't want to be involved in this war.
I think they sort of...
...took away our freedom and gave it to the gooks. They don't want it.
They'd rather be alive than free.
Poor dumb bastards.
The ones I'm fighting at are some pretty...
...pretty bad boys. I'm not real, uh....
I'm not real keen on...
...these fellows that are supposedly on our side.
I keep meeting them coming the other way.
We get killed for these people and they don't even appreciate it.
They think it's a big joke.
If you ask me...
...we're shooting the wrong gooks.
It depends. I'm here to take combat photos.
But if the shit gets too thick, I'II go to the rifle.
What do I think of America's involvement in the war?
I think we should win.
I hate Vietnam.
There's not one horse in the whole country.
There's something wrong with that.
If they'd send us more guys maybe...
...and bomb the hell out of the North, they might give up.
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam...
...the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I wanted to meet...
...interesting people of an ancient culture and kill them.
I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill.
'Morning, Iittle schoolgirl.
I'm a Iittle schoolboy, too.
-What you got there? -Do you want No. 1 fuckee?
Any of you boys want No. 1 fuckee?
I'm so horny I can't even get a piece of hand!
Me want suckee.
Suckee, fuckee, she give you everything you want. Long time.
Everything you want! AII right!
How much, chief?
$15 each.
$15 beaucoup money.
$5 each.
Come on, she Iove you good.
Boom-boom Iong time. $10.
$5.
No, $10.
Trade you some ARVN rifles.
Never been fired and only dropped once.
Okay, $5. You give me.
Let's get mounted.
Something wrong, chief?
She says no boom-boom with you.
What the motherfuck?
She says soul brother too beaucoup.
He's saying you black boys pack too much meat!
She Iooks Iike she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
She say too beaucoup. Too beaucoup.
Excuse me, ma'am.
What we have here is a magnificent...
...specimen of pure AIabama blacksnake.
But it ain't too goddamn beaucoup.
Okay. Okay.
-We need a batting order. -I'm going first.
Back off, white bread. Don't get between a dog and his meat.
AII fucking niggers must fucking hang.
Hey, I won't be Iong. I'II skip the foreplay.
-I don't want it after you, man! -Fuck you!
Intelligence passed the word down...
...that during the night the N. V.A. pulled out of our area...
...to positions across the Perfume River.
Our squad is sent on patrol to check out the report.
Face outboard and take cover! Do it!
He ain't going to make it.
Hotel One Actual, this is Cowboy.
Murph, this is Cowboy.
Crazy's hit. Booby trap.
Wait one.
You're senior NCO. Take charge and continue with the patrol.
Call in at the next checkpoint. Over.
Roger. Understand.
I'm squad Ieader.
I'II follow you anywhere, scumbag.
He's dead.
What's up?
We made a mistake at the Iast checkpoint.
See what you think.
I think we're here...
...and we should be here.
We're here?
We should be here?
What do you think?
I think we should change direction.
We'II change direction.
What's up?
Change in direction.
Are we Iost?
Joker, shut the fuck up!
Okay, Iisten up!
Can you hear me?
We're changing direction.
We're heading over that way.
Eightball's going to find a way through.
Got it?
Eightball, Iet's dance.
Put a nigger behind the trigger.
Cease fire!
Cease fire, goddamn it!
Cool it, goddamn it! Cease fire!
Listen up! Did anybody see a sniper? Did anybody see anything?
Negative!
Save your ammo! Nobody fire till I tell you!
No! Cease fire! Cease fire!
Animal, cease fire!
It's Sergeant Murphy.
Cowboy. Over.
Murphy. What is yourpresentposition? Over.
Receiving enemy sniper fire.
Eightball is down.
We're half a klick north of checkpoint No. 4.
Possible strong enemy forces in front of us.
Request immediate tank support. Over.
Roger. Understand.
I'll see what I can do. Over.
Stay close.
Listen up! I think we're being set up for an ambush.
There may be strong enemy forces in those buildings.
I've requested tank support.
We'II sit tight...
...but keep our eyes open. If they hit us...
...we'II have to pull back fast.
Goddamn it! Cease your fire, Mother!
Cease your fucking fire!
We can't Ieave him!
We'II get him when the tank comes up.
He's hit three times! He can't wait!
That sniper's just trying to suck us in one at a time.
Goddamn it! No!
Goddamn it, cease fire!
Fuck this shit! I'm going in to bring him out!
Sit the fuck down, goddamn it!
Okay, cease fire! He's there!
Hold your fire!
You can't see the sniper!
Save the ammo! Nobody fire till I tell you! Nobody!
Hold your fire!
What the fuck do we do now?
Give me that fucking radio.
Murph? This is Cowboy. Over.
We're in deep shit. Two men down. What's the story on the tank? Over.
Sorry, Cowboy.
No luck so far with the tank.
Will advise. Over.
Numb-nut bastards.
Okay, Iisten up!
Can't wait for the tank.
They're going to hit us any minute.
When they do, we won't have time.
We have to pull out now. Get ready.
Wait! Hold it!
Nobody's pulling out!
There's only one fucking sniper!
Back off!
I'm calling the plays and I say we pull out!
What about Doc Jay and Eightball?
It's shitty, but we can't refuse to accept the situation.
We're not Ieaving them out there!
They're wasted!
You know that!
Come on, we gotta bring them back.
Let's do it!
Stand down! That's a direct order.
Fuck you, Cowboy! Fuck all you assholes!
Goddamn it!
Fucking son of a bitch!
You motherfucker!
Where's the sniper?
Doc, where's the sniper?
Shit!
Shit! Fuck!
Doc Jay and Eightball are wasted!
There's only one sniper!
Move up the squad! You're clear up to here!
Son of a bitch.
No-Doze, Stutten, Donlon, Rock, come with me. We'II take a Iook.
You stay put and cover our ass!
We may come back in a big hurry!
-I'm going with you. -I'm coming, too.
AII set?
Let's move!
Top ofthe building, round the corner.
Give me that radio.
This is Cowboy. Over.
Holy shit! The sniper has a clean shot through the hole!
That son of a bitch!
You'II be all right.
Don't shit me, Joker!
I'm not. You're my favorite turd.
Hang on, man! Hang on!
I can hack it.
Let's go get some payback.
Okay.
Watch that fucking hole.
Give them some smoke.
Ready?
Donlon, Rock, that way. You two, with me.
Joker, in there! New Guy!
We got the sniper!
What's up?
We got the sniper.
I saved Joker's ass.
I got the sniper.
I fucking blew her away!
Am I bad?
Am I a Iife-taker? Am I a heartbreaker?
What's she saying?
She's praying.
No more boom-boom for this baby-san.
There's nothing we can do for her.
She's dead meat.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
What about her?
Fuck her.
Let her rot.
We can't just Ieave her here.
Hey, asshole...
...Cowboy's wasted.
You're fresh out of friends.
I'm running this squad now.
And I say we Ieave the gook for the mother-Ioving rats.
I'm not trying to run this squad.
I'm just saying we can't Ieave her Iike this.
Shoot...me.
Shoot...
...me.
Ifyou want to waste her, go on...
...waste her.
Shoot.
We'II have to put you up for the Congressional Medal of...Ugly!
Hardcore, man.
Fucking hardcore.
We have nailed our names in the pages ofhistory enough for today.
We hump down to the Perfume River to set in for the night.
"We play fair and we work hard And we're in harmony
"M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E
"Forever Iet us hold our banner high
"Boys and girls from far and near
"You're welcome as can be
"M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E
"Who's the Ieader ofthe club...."
My thoughts drift back to erect-nipple wet dreams...
...about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the great homecoming fuck fantasy.
I am so happy that I am alive...
...in one piece, and short.
I'm in a world of shit, yes.
But I am alive.
And I am not afraid.